Birds vs. Spiedi

Earlier this week, I asked for suggestions for a blog topic on my Facebook profile. Here are the results:

1. Porn
2. Spiedi
3. Reality TV in general
4. Facebook
5. The BK King
6. Birds
7. The fact that people don't know what it means to yield or merge when driving
8. Gus - the 2nd most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania
9. Clowns

Then, of course, I had a particularly bad day and added assholes to the list.

When I analyzed the list, there was alot of "creep" factor, so then I had to ask myself which of these topics is the creepiest. There are good arguments for many of them and I welcome any input from others. But for me, it really is a toss up between Spiedi and birds. I will lay out my argument for both and then you can decide.

Spiedi

Once upon a time there was a fresh faced, small chested girl from Crested Butte, Colorado named Heidi Montag. She moved to California to pursue a career in fashion and ended up making guest appearances on the unscripted reality tv show "Laguna Beach". For the record, I loved Laguna Beach. I loved that there were young adults out there so out of touch with reality that they felt compelled to hold a trucker cap fashion show to benefit victims of the tragic Laguna Beach mudslides a few years back. They even had their own slogan for the event; Fight the Slide, 2005.

Anyway, somehow Heidi ended up infiltrating her way into this world of trucker hat fashion shows, expensive cars, and infinity pools. The following year she turned up on the Laguna Beach spin-off show (another unscripted reality television show), The Hills. At this point, Heidi was still fresh faced, small chested and even a little mousy. She quit fashion school and convinced some party promoter (who was probably paid a small fortune by MTV) to let her work for his company. It was clear, Heidi was starstruck.

Season 2; Enter Spencer Pratt. Spencer was billed as Brody Jenner's best bud, but really he was just a dick. From the first moment he came on screen, he creeped me (and the rest of America) out. Now, for some reason, this was not the case for Heidi. I'm not sure if it was written into her unscripted contract that she had to date him, or maybe she was smoking crack. The impetus is still unclear. But Heidi was smitten. And all of America was forced to watch a long, slow train wreck right before our very eyes.

We have watched him alienate her friends.We have watched him alienate her family (how well would you handle it if your husband called your mother "the vagina" on national television).We have watched him alienate all of the celebrities on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!".

We have watched Heidi go from a fresh faced, small chested, mousy but cute girl, to a girl who really doesn't look human. I'm still unclear as to how plastic surgeons can sell a patient on the fact that what they are doing is making them look like an actual real person. In Heidi's defense, maybe she didn't want to look real. Maybe her goal was to look like actual plastic. If so, she succeeded. But in the process, she has lost her friends, family and fans. According to a report on msn, she and Spencer only have each other and spend their days staring at magazine covers of themselves. And they are now referred to as Spiedi. CREEPY!!!

Birds

I have long had a thing about birds. No - I have never seen the movie. But birds freak me out. At one point, I seriously considered starting a group on FB called "Birds Freak Me Out" but was afraid there would be backlash from the many bird lovers out there. But I will not be silenced any longer. Birds freak me out and creep me out.

I don't really know why I have an aversion to birds. When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I was at a friends house where they raised chickens. The chickens chased me across the yard. I felt like I was going to die. I think I thought I would get pecked to death. 

A few years later, while I sat on a swing in my neighbors back yard wearing the mail order shirt I received after saving Golden Grahams boxtops (It said "I'm a Golden Child), a bird flew overhead and shit on my shirt. My mother tried to convince me that it was good luck to be shit on by a bird but I wasn't buying it.

When I was in high school, I went on a class trip to England, where we were fortunate enough to visit the Tower of London. While we stood waiting to enter the Tower, a huge flock of birds flew overhead and shit all over the crowd. I was wearing a white wool coat and was again, lucky enough to be shit on. The woman next to me was wearing a kerchief around her head and as she turned to look at me, I was lucky enough to see bird shit running down the side of her kerchief. 

It's not that I can't appreciate the beauty of a bird. Some of them are pretty. But many of them are not. They really are just like little prehistoric creatures and who wants to see that. Recently, I was walking through the woods in Anson B. Nixon Park and turned just in time to see what I was sure was an actual prehistoric bird. How this bird could have gone undetected in Anson B. Nixon park for millions of years is unclear to me. But I was freaked out by the shear size of this bird. And the length of its legs. I swear the bird may have been as tall as me. And it took off and all I saw were these bamboo like legs and I thought I may die. Then I found out 2 days ago, from my bird loving friend Chrissy that I probably saw a blue heron. But does it really matter? It was just plain old CREEPY!!

After putting both arguments on paper (symbolically speaking), the birds win. At least you can turn off your TV. You can't hide from birds. CREEPY!!